I Need Help -Healthy Masculinity
If a boy is taught to deny the feelings in his own body, he will struggle to develop empathy for others.
"I need help." Why is it so hard for some men to say these three simple words? Whether it is the stereotypical refusal to ask for directions or a man's reluctance to seek urgently needed medical advice, some men would rather be in pain, suffer and perhaps, die than seek help. I find this heartbreaking. The answer to the question "why?" is complicated. However, it all starts with how we raise boys into men.
For a few years, while my boys were young, they were into wrestling. Watching boys wrestling, especially my boys, was not a pleasant experience. It was challenging to witness my son's face smashed into the mat or when he did it to someone else. The worst part about this experience was observing parents berate their child after a match for losing or for crying. "Don't be a pussy” was frequently expressed. How often have you seen a little boy try to cover up his hurt and tears, only to be rewarded by a parent or another adult with words like "That's my boy, tough as nails" or "That's my little man"? We want our boys to be tough because we are afraid of what the world will do to them if they are not. I propose that what we want for our boys and all children is that they are emotionally intelligent and resilient*, rather than physically tough. There's nothing wrong with physical toughness; it just doesn't serve well when dealing with human emotions. Good tool, wrong use. If a boy is taught to deny the feelings in his own body, they will struggle to develop empathy for others. Aiding our boys to learn how to manage their emotions, rather than having their emotions manage them, will help them to become stronger, more compassionate partners throughout their lives.
*Emotion Intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.
Given what I just wrote, it is not surprising that many experts report that about 70% of people who receive psychotherapy are women. Despite the efforts of many, men are still reluctant to seek help. As a therapist specializing in Men's Issues, I understand the reluctance that some men feel in seeking help, and I am committed to making this pathway easier for them. To this notion, I recently came across an article entitled, "Help My Partner: How to Get a Man To Go To therapy" by Justin Lioi (https://parkslopetherapist.com/how-to-get-a-man-to-go-to-therapy/). I'll share his four tips (plus one of my own) and add some of my thoughts on them:
1. Let him know he's not the only one affected: While some men are reluctant to seek help, these same men often go out of their way to help others. Letting a man know how you, as his partner, are affected by his behavior can be a catalyst for him to change. This is more often true when the people being affected are his children. Making a man aware of his issues and how they may negatively impact his loved ones is no guarantee that he will then seek help. However, by not pointing this out to him, it is almost guaranteed that no help would be sought.
2. Go to therapy for yourself: I have mixed feelings about this suggestion. On the one hand, if you are struggling and you need support, surely seeking help is wise*. However, if your main reason for entering therapy is to try and fix your partner, this will not work. You may be able to gain some useful coping techniques that will help you, but that will not change your partner. Also, for some men, seeking therapy without them might make it easy for them to place relationship problems on you rather than take responsibility for their actions. Instead, let your partner know that you recognize that each of you is doing the best you can and that you desire for things to be better. Offer to go into therapy with him to work on your relationship.
* If your partner is abusive, don't wait for him to change. Do whatever you need to do to seek the help and support you deserve. (National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233)
3. Consider going into Couple's Therapy together: see above
4. Define the limits of what you can (and are willing) to do: The bottom line here is that one person cannot force another person to change. We can express our concerns, we can express our aspirations and love for another, but we cannot change for them.
5. (I've added this one) Have your partner seek out a Men's Therapy Group: At first glance, this may seem counter-intuitive; however, some men find that talking with other men feels safer. They can see that they are not alone in their struggles. (A future blog will be dedicated to Men's Therapy Groups and their potential benefits)
If you are a man seeking help or a loved one seeking help for him, please share this article with him, as well as a link to my website www.bhctherapy.com. If you have any questions, please contact Bryan Cohen at bhctherpay@gmail.com.
